How to survive when others will not help?

[bksratliff]

I need someones perspective on how to survive this crappy journey when you feel like no one will help?! My Family has helped more than his and he is the one dying! My Dad came down for a week and did things around the house that have been neglected for 3+ years, my mom came to town regularly until I told my brother off recently. He is a piece of shit! He has not called or come to visit since Bob's diagnosis and I finally had enough. He is 42 years old and is a selfish bastard that just does not get it. I said some horiffic things to him, that were all truthful character traits of his, and told him that he disgusts me and that his day is coming. I also told him not to call me when it does come. My mother, who has always favored him stood up for him even though she knew what I said was the truth. I feel so lost! I am at my weakest moment, my husband is dying and my son is watching it and will be fatherless and my brother and mom are living in some fantasy world for wackos. While Bob's family is hiding out thinking everything is OK or they just don't give a crap...either way they are not here helping me or asking if I need anything. I have to work full time outside of the home and I need someone to be with Seth this week since I do not have any camps set up for him and Bob is not doing well at all (that is an understatement). He too is living in a fantasy world...he actually thinks he is going to beat this....all I can think is that morphine must be good because all I see is a man who is nearly bed ridden....So I called my mother to see if she could help and she went off, told me that she is not going to care for him, that he is not her son (all valid points) and to call his mother...gee thanks mom that really helped me a lot...NOT! So here I sit, in a shitty place once again, feeling sick to my stomach trying to figure out how to make this work while I still need to go outside and cut the grass and clean inside all while my 6 year old son watches me crying and asking me if we can do something fun...welcome to HELL!

[mherynk]

We are living the lives we never expected. Forget about the s**ts in your life and focus on those who are helpful. You don't have the time or energy to deal with them. We lost some friends and gained some surprising new ones. Keep the good ones, ditch the bad.

[MB_SPOUSE_ACC]

I can understand where you are coming from. I am also angry at people who I thought would be there for me, but are not. Many people who said they loved me, family, etc...disappeared. Yet -- I prayed to God -- begging for help. A few weeks later help came -- but from new people who were not friends. Angels... I am hurt by family that does not have the time to even write me an email or call me. Some people are just as they are -- cancer will show you who REALLY loves you!

[mws]

Karyn, Bless your heart. This is the time you need everyone in your life to put aside their issues and be there for you. It totally stinks when people are jerks. Call his mom and give her a list of she needs to do. YOu need help and they need to help you. We have just started down this road, and I have had a lot of help, (not from his family) but I know at some point I will have to delegate to his family what they need to do.
Take care of yourself, Mary

[bksratliff]

Thank Mary for the comfoprting words.

They are here with him, drove in this AM and are staying over night. I am not sure how I will get through the rest of the days with Seth off from school but I will keep praying for help.

Love and blessings,

[katoomba]

Glad it is working out (so far). If it is an consolation (I know it's not) I'm in the same boat this week.

My MIL was supposed to arrive from California on Saturday to help with Erik's first month of Interferon. (daily hospital trips, bad side effects) On Friday she called to let us know that my FIL was sick and that she was going to have to postpone until Wednesday. Now, my FIL has been hospitalized and she may not even come at all. I am trying to scramble and figure out how to manage getting Erik to treatments every afternoon, his neurologist, and his therapist, our couples therapy plus drop/pick my son at day care and his speech therapy appointments, and still make an appearance at my job every day. Oh, and I have to find time to be worried about my FIL, care for my husband who will be going through what has been kindly described to us as hell, care for my son and deal with our two dogs. I'm not even sure if this is all physically possible.

I just got off the phone with my husband and told him to cancel his/our therapy appointments this week. Some things just have to be dropped.

[mherynk]

Hi Katoomba,

I don't know anything about your company but if you qualify this may be a good time to invoke the Family and Medical Leave Act. If you get your ducks in a row you can walk out the door for up to 12 weeks and they have to hold your job. They don't have to pay you, but sometimes you just have to walk out the door. When my wife was diagnosed I took 4 weeks with a minus 3 day notice and used it intermittently throughout her battle.

[JBaker]

Cathleen,

Time to prioritize everything and dump all that does not need to be done. The couples therapy and possibly the speech therapy for now might be things and possibly reintroduce them at a later date. As of now survival mode is it Obviously walk the dogs so that a bigger mess is not waiting for you inside. Put as much as possible on the back burner and do what you can.

Amongst all of this do take the time for a short bit of sanity time for yourself as well. Even if walking the dogs try to aleviate some of the stresses by taking time to smell the roses. Get excersize and run away from the piles the dogs leave!!!

Jim

[katoomba]

mherynk - I checked, I'm not eligible for FMLA until mid-August. My boss has been great though. He's allowing me to work from home at all sorts of odd hours so that I can be with Erik when I need to be there. I'm lucky that I have a boss that really believes that family comes first.

Jim -- THANK YOU for the laugh!! The dogs are spending time in our dog run for now, which is good b/c they are large and leave large piles.

My family has really stepped up -- my sister took care of my son last night while we were at the hospital (until 8:30!) and my mother is driving from Florida as I type.

My FIL was diagnosed with a staph infection complicated by diabetes but the antibiotics are now working and my MIL is planning to be here by the end of the week.

I've canceled all therapy appointments so now we just have Interferon, neurology and one speech therapy appointment. We're using paper plates and keeping meals simple or getting take out.