Who do you talk to?

[katoomba]

Hi all,

I've just recently accepted the fact that I have no one to talk to about my life. I have a sister in the area and she has been great but she just can't understand the full impact of how my life has changed. She also has a 9 month old and a pretty busy life herself. I tired going to a therapist -- the first was through my job's PAS program so I only got 6 visits. The second just frustrated the hell out of me so I stopped going. To be honest, trying to fit one more appointment into the week and shelling out another co-pay was really more than I could take.

I post on here when I can but I'm finding myself feeling more and more alone. My husband is always leaning on me and we spend countless hours talking about his feelings but to be quite frank, we've only had about 2 conversations in the last year that revolved around my feelings and even then he always manages to turn the conversation back to him with "Imagine how I feel..."

I'm not trying to say that his feelings aren't important, but mine are getting so buried that I'm beginning to feeling like an emotionless robot.

So... who do you talk to?

[ronlove]

In my case, Ron was always my best friend and we talked. Other than him is a cousin I am really close to. At times and if I had a conflict, she would take him to his chemo for me. Other than that, in terms of support I found http://www.cancercare.org/ on the left side there is a link to support groups online. They have groups for patients and groups for caregivers.

[JBaker]

Cathleen,

This place is about the only place for other to talk to that "truly" have been on the same path that you are trodding. For me I talked to my dad a lot but he mainly just listened to me ramble and vent off pressure. I never went to any appts for a psych but like you just did not need anything else shoved into an already overburdened schedule. My wife (Oct 2006 passed) was also a good listener but as you know you can only talk about so many things and what to do afterwards was not really up for discussion much. I know what she wants/ed for me but nothing that I could discuss with the only person I could discuss feelings or being scared with. I did not find this board until after she had passed, so it has only been helpful as an after sort of thing for me but I still need to be able to discuss things like this with others that are thru or are going thru the same thing. If there is someone on this board that you seam like you would like to visit with send them a PM and maybe arrange a phone conversation to just discuss life and whatever else. From others I have talked to it is usually apreciated to just connect with another person and hear a voice that "gets it".

Wish I could offer you more advice, but that is about all I have learned thru this bad ordeal. Make sure to take care of yourself and give yourself so "ME" time as well to decompress.

Jim

[msharpe]

I have found that most people when they ask how things are going really just want to hear "doing well" "same old same old" "getting through it" and other similar phrases. I do have a few friends I can talk with, who I am able to be real with. One lost a son to cancer when he was 10 so she knows what I feel and the effects cancer has on a family. I feel very blessed to have a core group of friends to talk candidly with and who support me on good days and bad. My husband and I actually just had a discussion last week and this subject came up. I told him that my friends were my support system and he wasn't because a lot of the time he gets so wrapped up in himself and how he is feeling that he neglects thinking of me. So I guess my suggestion would be to try to find at least one friend you can lean on who can handle the good stuff along with the bad stuff.

[frank23]

Cathleen,
This has been extremely frustrating for me as well. The one person in the world that I want to talk to and lean on is the one person that I cannot lean on and talk to. While I do talk to my wife, I never fully vent my frustrations - how could I possibly burden her with the thoughts I have in my head? She's going through enough as it is, and oddly enough I don't think the patients can really see how things affect their spouses anyway. I've tried talking to friends and family with no satisfaction because they just can't understand my issues. I haven't tried therapy and this site is the only place for me to vent. It does help, but posting isn't the same thing as talking - I also wish there was more.

Post anytime though - we're all here,
Frank

[JBaker]

I told my wife several times that the time I would need her the absolute most will be the time she will no longer be there to support me! She agreed with me as we were both in tears. That is one heck of a hard time to deal with, but it is what it is. Yes we do get tired having people say they want to hear us yet the real story is they just want to hear that things are going ok and do not want to be burdened with our troubles on their shoulders either. It is a bummer, but I understand their points of view also. It is hard to be around some people that are always down especially if you/them are on the edge of depression also.

Again if you can or desire to PM someone and start a personal friendship thru e-mail that can lead to a phone call just to share with another person. I have met several people that way and had many a good conversation being able to vent to someone that understands. The people I have never met physically but have enjoyed just the conversation and would like to think I had helped them in some little way, even if just to let them vent off steam and have some compassion for being the caregiver and not the patient. It is good to just have a "virtual" friend at times that do not judge us when they see us or otherwise, they are just there as a friend when needed. The friend does not show up unanounced or outstay their welcome and does not critique either. I have a friend from another widow board and we have been e-mailing for two years, and met once since we live in the same state, anyhow it has been nice to get a simple couple line letter and send one off each day and know someone out there cares about me without conditions on it.

Wish you all the best and send a PM if youd like to email back and forth.

Jim

[mherynk]

wow Frank, I could have written your posting, those are my exact sentiments that I have struggled with trying to put into words.

This site has been my therapy for many years. I also live in a large metro area and work in the cancer field so finding other spouses in my area is not that hard. It has been a huge help just to look into someone's eyes and know they understand me without ever saying a word. Your friends and family will not understand you but maybe you have someone who will just listen without judging.

[mws]

This site has been great for me. There are support groups, but they meet at 6 or 7 at night and I have 2 children. We call anything after 5pm "the witching hour". Cranky kids, dinner, baths etc. It is hard not to tell Chuck how I feel. Sometimes I feel so guilty when we pray together because he thanks God for the support of his wife. I don't always feel so supportive. Sometimes I plot my exit strategy, but then reality sets in.

I hope you can find some comfort here. Post as needed. If you can take time for yourself and see a good therapist, I highly advise such. I get acupuncture to help with anxiety and at first felt guilty, but I don't anymore.

Take care,
Mary

[jake]

Cathleen,
I think that when it comes to venting with people that are/have-been there, YCS is the best hands down. It has been a sanity saver for me. It is good to have 3D friends who care, listen, and can give a hug, but only you (all of you here), know. The only drawback I find (here) is that it is hard to open up and share my inner feelings on the wide open internet.

Mary, I had to laugh at your post. I too am my "childrens' humble servent" and am fully aware of the witching hour concept. Patty and I have a 5 & 7 year olds.

Jake

[samia]

Katoomba,

I felt the same, actually I still feel the same, I really do not have anyone to talk about my feelings except for here. I do have 4 sisters and lots of friends but everyone just likes to hear that you are doing fine, its true that no one wants to be burdened by others troubled thoughts. Sami was my best friend too, but this time (2008, 3rd recurrence) he totally went into a world of himself. I used to keep it in till I couldn't anymore and used to have a good cry by myself. Hang in there. If you like you can talk to me anytime, PM me if you wish.

((hugs))
Samia

[katoomba]

It has been a huge help just to look into someone's eyes and know they understand me without ever saying a word.

Matt,

When I read this it transported me to a moment last October when I met the husband of a breast cancer patient. Someone else had told him about my husband and he made a point of coming up to me during a work event. Granted, he was much older but within seconds of meeting I felt like we had spoken for hours. He just understood.

Thank you all who have reached out and taken a moment to respond to me. It's always nice to know that someone is listening.

[Hubby]

Hello everyone,

Wow is all I can say. I have been carrying this around for what seems like an age and my head is now banging and my batteries are running out. I am 35, my beautiful girl is 34. We 've known eachother since school & been married for 8 years this September. She was dx at 31 with breast cancer. She responded well to treatment, so well in fact that she gave me a son whilst receiving herceptin!

Sadly her pregnancy masked the cancer that had come back to get her and when our little boy was just 3 months old she was dx with advanced bone cancer and liver mets. Her liver has responded to more chemo & herceptin but her bones have progressed and her heart function is down to 50% because of herceptin.

I do not know a single soul that can relate to my situation. It almost feels like people avoid me now as they cannot face the reality and the sh*tiness of my situation.

To top it all my dad died from the complications of a brain tumour just before Christmas, just a couple of days after my girl got the call from her oncologist.

I cannot grieve the loss of my Dad as I simply cannot fit it in with my home situation. What do I do with a baby? How will I raise him on my own? I have thousands of questions, the answers to some I just cannot face.

I think that I shall be posting here a lot.

I see you mention meetings, difficult as I am in England. Shame.

I hope that your day is treating you all as well as it can.

Hubby

[JBaker]

Hubby,

Welcome from across the great pond! To stinking bad to meet under these circumstances though. I have been in similair shoes and time period as you. I was 33 and she was 32 at diagnosis of breast cancer with 2&4 yr old boys. She passed not quite three yrs later leaving me with 4&6yr olds to raise. Congrats on the little boy though. As bad as things are getting be thankful for him since even with all the amount of work with him, he will be the reason for you to keep going at times.

Please post more and ask questions make statements rant and blow off steam and frustrations of this cancer garbage. It is good to be among others of similari age that "know" what it is you are going through without having to go through a long story and neverending details. Make sure to take care of yourself with all the stress on your shoulders. Sorry to hear of your father passing on top of all the rest. Life is certainly not fair!

Jim

[mherynk]

Welcome hubby,

Everyone here understands what you are going through because we have walked in your shoes. Take time for yourself to keep your head on straight and you will manage. Vent here, your friends and family may be well meaning, but they just don't get it.

-Matt

[frank23]

Hubby,

You've found a whole lot of people that can actually relate to your situation. I'm am in a similar situation - similar age, a five year old son, and a whole lot of unknowns to deal with. The news of your fathers passing and the thought that you couldn't grieve struck a chord with me as well. My father hasn't passed, but I feel the same way about everything else in my life other than my wife and son now. The rest of the world could fall apart at this stage of my life, and I can honestly say any news outside of my home does not seem to phase me. I thought it was just me feeling this way. I have had close relatives pass recently, but for some strange reason, it doesn't affect me as it did in my pre-cancer days.

Anyway, sorry you had to find us, but glad you did,

Frank