no time to preserve

[amldevore]

When my husband was diagnosed, he required treatment immediately due to the nature of his disease. There was no time to bank any sperm and to tell you the truth, the thought never crossed our mind. When he started the process to recieve his transplant, we learned that the process would give him a 90% chance of loing his fertility. We went to a Cryogenics lab and he tried to bank so spem, bu tby then the damage was done, and nothing survived the freezing process. I put off the feeling of loss for a long time. thinking to myself "I don't have the time or emotional energy to even think about this loss." Well, my husband is doing fairly well, except for a few helth hiccups. Now, it's starting to sink in. We're only 25 years old, but knowing that we'll either have to adopt or get a sperm donor, I realize that I'm going to have to start planning if we want to have a baby before we get too much older. I'm having a really tough time realizing that I may never become a mother and if I do, the baby will not be both of ours. It sounds shallow, but that's how I feel.

[JBaker]

Another part of the neverending emotional rollercoaster.

Cancer sure does steal from ways many will never understand and affect so much. First be thankful for your husband and having him. Some way a door will open...somehow!

Jim

[mercyriver]

I am not an expert by ANY means, but I have read that sometimes fertility just takes a while to come back.

I assume he has been tested to see if he is infertile or not?

Becki

[Courtney]

We had kind of a similar situation, but I am not quite sure how to feel about it and I sometimes feel like an awful person.

When my husband, Wayne was admitted to the hospital there were two biopsies, he wasn't even given time to recover from the second one when the doctors said he needed to try banking sperm because they wanted to start chemo right way, we weren't even married at this point but knew that we wanted to at least give it a shot (luckily we had this conversation before regarding children). He was released from the University of Utah to be transferred to Huntsman the day after surgery and they let me take him off campus to do the banking. It was an awful experience. He had just had a catheter (not sure about spelling) removed and was not in the best spirits, needless to say, he wasn't able to do it.

I don't know if it just hasn't sunk in yet or if I really am okay with possibly not being able to have babies of our own. The doctors say there is a good chance that his infertility won't be permanent so we are hoping for the best and I look at pregnant woman and hope that I have that opportunity but another part of me, in the back of my mind asks myself if I really want to bring a child into this. Sometimes I think it would be easier because of the unknown future, including death, if children weren't involved.

I know that sounds probably silly, lazy and fearful, but sometimes I hope that he is sterile and we won't have to make that decision, that it will be made for us. Is this horrible for me to be thinking? Does anyone feel the same sometimes?

Courtney

[JBaker]

Courtney,

The thought of bringing another little child into an already torn up childhood due to the cancer is a hard thing to put all together. It would have been nice to have been able to bank, assuming all goes well and survival is a likelihood. However to have a child if he was not here to be an active father in the childs life is a hard place to start things off with. I know it is easy for me to say with me having two of my own prior to cancer, however now my two young boys will never have their mother again to love.

It all comes down to not so much us as individuals and couples, but as to what is in the best interest of the baby coming into this world and its next 18-20 years of life. Raising children is hard enough without the 500lb gorrilla of cancer on the back of the spouse/caregiver to handle all at once, and/or on their own without help.

My two cents only.
Jim

[kandrews]

Courtney -- I've been wrestling with this same issue myself for 4 years ... am I just selfish to want a baby? Could I do it if my husband doesn't survive? The thing is, the answer is different for everyone. I've had people say horrible things about what they would do "if they were me," but you know what? No one knows until they've walked in your shoes. I'm turning 30 this month and I think not moving forward with IVF with our banked sperm 2-3 years ago will be my biggest regret. My husband is not doing well now - but he's still here, despite the odds - and there is plenty of quality in our life still. And if we had just taken the leap, we could have a 2 year old now!

The thing is, no one's path is guaranteed. My sister-in-law, in telling me how awful I was for wanting a child, kept saying things like "I could never do this to my son" and "every child deserves two parents." Well, be that as it may, her husband could die before mine, and frankly, at least we can prepare for it. I think one wonderful parent is better than most kids have, and I've spoked to PLENTY of kids who are adults now and lived through this experience and they have nothing but wonderful things to say about being brought into the world. So go with your heart.