headline topic says most!

[ronlove]

Well, I am writing from his room at the hospice facility. He had to be brought here yesterday afternoon, by ambulance since he is doing bad. He has been having hallucinations, a lot of twitching and is now disoriented and even lethargic at times. Mostly and hopefully solely, this is due to becoming toxic through his pain medication (he is on a PCA with Dilaudid). Time will only tell if there is disease progression involved too. No matter what, it looks like we will be here for at least about a week until they safely switch him to methadone, becomes stable and/or they figure out the whole picture or at least that is my hope. The weekend doctor was here and she sounded convinced that this is toxicity and that all she wants is to ease him of dilaudid, get him on a comfortable dose of methadone and send him home but then she is deferring to the regular doctor which will be here tomorrow. Everyone keeps talking about his liver involvement or liver failure which I told her gets on my nerves because I don't see the evidence (his oncologist told me I would see him develop jaundice again). Ron knows about this too, so to mention this around him sends him a signal that the end is near. Sounded like since the mission of hospice is to get him comfortable they don't even bother with little things like blood tests to be sure. I hope I am wrong and that when the regular doc comes tomorow he is willing to do the silly test so that we know for sure where we are at. At least today he is a bit more alert and has regained his apetite. I may be hanging on, wishful thinking and all that, and I know I have to let him go at some point but I am not sure that right now is it.

[mherynk]

Our prayers are with you. Although hospice can be very helpful, it is a very uneasy place to need their services.

[ronlove]

Well, I spoke to the doctor and though he has only a snapshot (his words) and though he will do some blood tests (they will be done tomorrow but at least they will be done) and though Ron might rally, the doc seems to think this is it. Looks like my soul mate will go ahead on his journey to set aside a place for us. They switched him to fentanyl last night and the doc did mention that if what is going on is the result of the drugs, within hours there should have been an improvement but he still has just moments of lucidness and alertness. I have noticed though that he does react to my voice better than anyone else's. I was nice enough to go get his mother and bring her here and even let the doctor tell her stuff. He did not recognize her. At least she will not be able to accuse me of anything though today was the first and the last time I go pick her up. Based on what the doctor said, I am not leaving his side for anyone or anything. I know, I know, hearing is among the last things to go so I am trying to not cry or crumble anywhere near him though all my mind and body want to do is just that. In any case, we will be here at least this week or for however long it takes. It sucks that it has been so sudden, drastic and fast. Just last Saturday (Oct 4th) we were together at the Renaissance festival and up to last Friday we were having our usual day to day talks and interactions. The hardest part is not having clear access to the most loving brilliant mind I have ever known...

[ronlove]

As per his wishes, we had made an appointment with the cremation people for today. I just had to figure out how many copies of the death certificates and sign the contract. All in all, once more it gets proven that Ron is indeed a genious for having decided to this ahead of time. I had to do this tonight and I am a wreck crying at any moment I allow myself to do so since I still have to look after him. I cannot begin to imagine how I would have managed or what kind of state I will be in to have to deal with this then. Though I am a wreck I am glad that this is done and that I do not have to deal with this when the time comes...

[ronlove]

I am broken. The doc was just here and he said that it would not surprise him if Ron passes in a week or two. Ron is in a fog. He spends most of the time sleeping or mentally off somewhere. He has moments where he might recognize and acknowledge who is talking to him but these are becoming less frequent. His kidneys are shutting down. My father is coming into town tonight...

I was looking through some notebooks and found the following note he had jotted down a while a go at a time when ever the engineer we were getting and preparing certain things for when this time came:

"I can't go on fighting this cancer. It is killing me and it has won. We all must eventually die. This is my time. Do not cry for me. I have accepted the inevitable. I only cry for those who I leave behind specially my beautiful Gloria. All who wish to donate money at the time of my death can do so to my wife Gloria Morales to assist her in paying off our financial debt or they may donate to the Animal Rescue Fund or ASPCA"---Ron Santos

[sselig]

I wish there were a way to take this pain away from all of us. I am so sorry you are losing your soul mate and best friend and I am so sorry it has happened so quickly. I hope your family is able to support you in the way you need right now.

Thoughts, peace, and strength,
Sara

[mws]

Your husband sounds like a kind, thoughtful soul. I wish I could help you through this. My prayers are with you. Please take care of yourself and know we are here for you.

Mary

[ronlove]

My husband just passed...

[mherynk]

I am so sorry to learn of Ron's passing. You have my prayers and sympathy.

-Matt

[Jennifer]

Gloria,

I am so sorry to hear that you lost Ron. I am thinking of you.

Jen

[bksratliff]

Gloria- I am so very sorry. My heart is aching for you. I am a mess right now but when I pull it together I will send you thoughts of peace and love.

[katoomba]

My heart is aching for you. Ron sounded like an incredible person and I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.

[sselig]

I am so sorry to learn of Ron's death.... thinking of you and sending healing and peaceful thoughts, Sara