Confusion

[Abby]

Sometimes the anger of the whole situation comes thru and I get mad at the medical team for not being able to provide answers and make it better. I don't yell or take it out on them.. I secretly blame them for any health issues that my husband has. This is where is gets confusing for me. Jeff (diagnosed at 28 and is now 31...32 in less than 2 weeks) and he was the one who chose to be on hospice and thought about looking at trials after the first of the year. It is like he seems okay with dying from colon cancer and he has made peace with that, but when symptoms get worse or develop then it seems as though that peace he arrived at is gone.
I pull my hair out trying to honor his wishes, but they change from minute to minute sometimes. It is so hard to make sure that I am doing and fighting for what he wants. I know that if something happens to him then that is where I will seek my comfort: knowing that I followed out his wishes.
I am scrambling for other reasons for why Jeff has become sick and I am grasping to anything else it might be.

[mherynk]

The only advice I have is sit back and hold on for the ride.