Selfishness?

[fightingfortlc]

**I apologize, I placed this in the wrong forum. This should be in the "How I Really Feel" category.

Selfishness?
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life
I would be content with taken a bunch of chill pills and lulling off to a forever sleep. I know Thomas would be right behind me as a result of a broken heart and because someone would probably screw up care that I normally handle.
I'm tired of living in frustration. I fear that if he goes before me the memories of hatred for his parents will succeed the wonderful memories of his smile and and laugh and all of the great times we had together.
They are making me miserable in my life. I'm about to go file bankruptcy and fuck my credit in order to have more money because I barely have enough to make ends meet. My mother and father each are contributing more than his parent's combined. Get a job Ashley. FUCK YOU! Do what I have to 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and then explain to me how to work a job into that. Selfish bastards.
I know that I am not psychotic because I know my body and brain well enough. I'm just tired of this constant bullshit brought on by these idiots.
I love my husband to death and I would do absolutely ANYTHING for him. I don't care if it involved me dying to save him. He's my life. He is why as much as I want to die in my sleep I cannot. I cannot leave him in the care of his mother or a CNA or LPN that he doesn't know. They don't know him. Not even his mother. I can tell you when he's feeling sick before he even knows. They can't do that.
So that's what I have to say. I want to die in my sleep, but I cannot, because as usual, Ashley doesn't get her way.




P.S.- Cut the depressed crap. If your spouse had cancer and you weren't depressed you would be odd. I was put on Lexapro right after the diagnosis, but unfortunately the headaches associated with it are too much to bear. I've been through every other anti-depressant all which left me with migraines. It is what it is.

[JBaker]

Ashley,

First despite the insane thoughts you know you need to hang on for him just like the rest of us did for our spouses or are doing. However I can certainly feel for your frustrations towards many of your obstacles dealing with life in general. My walk was different from your but I did have in-laws that could and were extremely dificult to deal with on various levels. They never offered any funding to help out with bills but thankfully we were able to swing our own way thru it despite the disgusted looks of me having been a stay at home father prior to cancer coming into our lives. Still lots of crap from them and badmouthing me for what I contributed to our family. I to am concerned if I will ever ovecome the frustration of having dealt with them and be able to find someone else to love and move on with my life. I am going on three years out and have not felt open in my heart to trust another person fully like I did my wife. Granted many things we did not learn until after we married, had we known before would we have ever married???

Hard as can be but keep holding on and do not give up no matter how things go. Never think it can not get worse since God does have a sense of humor and can add something else you never saw coming to complicate things even more. Go into pure survival mode and do not worry about doing anything beyond you and your husband to survive. Fortunately/un, life will ease someday in the future but it is not in a good way when it does. Just hold on. From there do thing for yourself and be selfish for a while and escape things to the best of your abilities. Please do not turn to drugs or alcohol though it will only make things worse in the long run. At times like this I thing I can understand why some people turn to drugs and alcohol though. When I was a child a neighbor kid (late teens) was stoned and drugged most of the time and I saw what happened to the family, I never want my family to go thru that. I hope you stay strong for yourself and your husband and no I am not assuming you will do anything questionable but just want to make sure you wont either.

Jim

[fightingfortlc]

Jim,

I realized tonight that I posted under the wrong category! Oops! But I would like to just touch on a few things. I don't think my feelings are ones of insanity, unless I quoted that myself and just overlooked it. (Which has definitely happened on occasion ) I think it's part of human nature and the human grieving process, especially when that loved one is still here. God, Jah, Allah, whomever, blesses people for that, but the pain and suffering we see endured by our loved ones, as you very well know isn't the comfort alone that most of us need.
I would also like to point out the fact that I know there was no mal-intent, as I can tell you are an amazing person with incredible insight, but never once did I mention drugs or alcohol use as a resort for myself. While some people may come to that, I was simply stating that sometimes, on really hard days, the notion of never waking from sleep could possibly seem comforting.
I hope that you do not take this rebuttal as any sign of disrespect because I have learned so much from you from this forum. I just don't want to, for my own sake to come across like an insane drug user. (Yes, I 120% know that is NOT what you meant by it!)

Thank you, Jim, for your kind advice and I look forward to more in the future.

Sincerely,
Ashley

[JBaker]

Ashley,

No there was no intent of abuse of chemical mentioned by you, but from my perspective I could see how it would be very tempting to just for some sort of an escape even if short lived and then back to the real world. I just was bringing it up so that you or others that may read this would not consider trying them just to "escape" from the positions we now/have held with our spouses. In your original post you did say at times you wish you would never wake from sleep and from the exhaustion and helplessness how it was expressed in the post I just wantedd to touch base on that subject out of concern that you do not do something like that. That was it. Again it sounded as though you were near then end of your rope. I know a gal who's husband committed suicide(coincidentally the same day my wife passed from cancer) and also never knew one of my grandfathers to suicide also, so I just wanted to get your attention on that.

So yes I know from where you were coming but when one does write things like that out it is a point i want to make a bit of an issue out of it so that they will not. I may not ever know you except from this forum, but at least you know someone out there cares to make sure you do not go to far. Just loving care for other spouses of this crappy cancer that now consumes our lives. So please take care of yourself to and escape from it when you can but in a healthy non life threatening manner. I bought a motorcycle to escape knowing it is not the safest transportation but still not directly to go out and cause hamr to myself. Just find some sort of an outlet for it.

Jim