Sunshine vitamin - Vitamin D

[MarkC]

we all talk about taking care of ourselves. I thought I had done ok. I knew there were some things that I had neglected, but Sheryl made sure I saw the dentist, etc. Working indoors and living on a poor diet can really mess up a caregiver's body. I knew that I should be getting excercise, but I thought since I was in such good shape when I was 32, maybe I could do without excercise for a while and I would be fine. The lack of sun being a problem never even occurred to me.
Well, I went and got a physical last Friday. I'm 41 now, and I hadn't been seen in many years. I was having persistent stomach and leg pain and I was convinced that I had cancer and I was going to die shortly after Sheryl. I was ok with that. Its not that I'm suicidal, but I just feel like I've completed my purpose on this earth. Anyway, it turned out to be severe Vitamin D deficiency. The doc said that it was a direct result of being a caregiver. I had no idea this could happen. So, I guess there is one more thing to learn about being a caregiver. Go out and get 15 minutes of sun every day.

[ca_mama]

Oh dear Mark - such collateral damage to every part of our bodies and souls! I'm so sorry to hear you've got this (but glad it's simply that issue). Do you live somewhere you can sun yourself?

CA Mama (out in sunny CA, where the sunburn is more of the issue...)

[MarkC]

Thanks CA Mama, I feel much better. I've been on the Vitamin D for several weeks. I have so much more energy now. I could have used a pickup like this in Sheryl's last few months. -Mark

[ca_mama]

You're welcome Mark. Another question for you - if I recall correctly from your earlier posts, you and Sheryl got married young twentysomething-ish, didn't have kids, and fought the cancer beast for something like 12 years?

Can I ask, HOW did you do that? I'm only 2 years into this and it's kicking my behind up one side and down the other. In particular, I feel my marriage is sheit (you know how that should really be spelled) - it's all me giving and all him taking. For us now it's not physical issues so much (he's in remission and feeling pretty good) but cognitive ones (his brain is fried, early Alzheimer's sort of issues that make any sort of dinner conversation not so easy.)

We've got 2 little kids, so that adds to the slurp.

But seriously - it's every week I fantastize about running away. Today we attended a wedding and that was hard for me - seeing all these happy healthy people and knowing I was going home with Mr. Cranky.

HOW did you do it? How can I get some of that kool-aid?

-- Ca Mama

[MarkC]

CA_Mama,
Sorry for the delayed response. I'm not sure I'm qualified to give advice on this. I'm a little over 3 months out from losing Sheryl and I've discovered some real problems with my mental health. there are quite a few coping mechanisms that can come to bite you in the ass later down the road. I always felt like I had to be strong for her. Therapy would have been a sign to Sheryl that I was hurting. Instead, I had my fantasy world, periods of detachment (earlier on), and all kinds of dark thoughts. All of which I kept to myself. This went on for 20 years, and now that she is gone, the purpose for all those constructs has been ripped away. I've recently realized that I'm pretty screwed up in the head. I'm not sure if therapy during our journey would have been worse or better. I think there was a little voice in my head that said if you even start to examine what is going on here, you are going to lose it and be non-functional. I couldn't take the risk that I might not be able to get the job done or that I might not be able to provide the emotional support that Sheryl needed. "kick that can down the road" was the motto. Well, here I am now looking for a shrink in the yellow pages. So... I'm not sure what to say. There is a lot of self sacrifice that goes into being a cancer spouse. There's a reason we are always telling each other to take care of ourselves. Its because we can sometimes lose ourselves in caregiving. We can sometimes forget (or supress) the fact that we have emotions and needs. I hope you find a better way than I did. I suspect that its just a shitty situation and its going to be the hardest thing any of us have ever had to do. I wish I had some better kool-aid for you.
-Mark